my therapist posed a question to me at the end of our session 2 weeks ago… did I think I fit the description of a high risk student athlete? 

I originally kind of brushed it over. actually, externally brushed it over playing all nonchalant but vehemently denying the notion internally. i am a tough cookie-that is NOT me. but, i thought about it, really thought about it, and I fit the description to a t. sleeping and eating problems, irritability sometimes (usually very very pent up and presents itself as controlling behavior and throwing myself into excessive studying or exercise), the never good enough narrative I know ALL too well (can go in the way of doing things TOO well or being so anxious that I shut down and perform at 85%), OVERcares and frequently trades fun for following a precise agenda (which gets in the way of truly just living.)

I always thought of myself as a powerhouse, my worth intertwined so intricately with how fast I could run a set distance, how quick I could run the ball down the field and how stealthily I could roll the crease to sneak in a goal, how many saves per game I could average and how many shutouts I could rack up in a season. 

and this was the way in which I dictated my worth. 

5 signs an individual may be struggling: 

- demeanor 

- depression

- anxiety 

- not doing well in school 

- social isolation 

athletes are especially good at hiding this. being open to conversation and vulnerability with your own story (if you are in a place where you are able) may actually save a life. even in tiny ways. 

seeds are planted in our lives for a reason… 

pay attention to seeds. GOD often plants them & if you water them…

- impossibilities become possibilities 

i love competition- the simplicity of working day in & out to push past limits & overcome mental barriers- but it has no place in my identity. i need to learn to recognize the lie that attaches my performance to my identity. 

there is so much measurement and value placed on performance as an athlete. but in terms of life there is nothing more unsettling, devastating, agonizing and insecurity inducing to be measured solely by performance (ESPECIALLY when nothing you accomplish seems to be good enough-going both ways-too good is not good enough and so is not good enough,  you can never seem to fall in into being simply ENOUGH). this leads to feeling (regardless of achievements and accolades) found wanting, chasing a ghost, climbing a mountain only to never reach the “summit”. this invites a lifetime of a heavy, aching heart and pain that has the power to rattle bones to the very core. 

and in stepping away-utterly broken, unlearning toxic belief systems, paving my way back from one of the lowest points in my existence- I see the cracks in the foundation of what I believed all of my life. it took hitting some of the lowest of lows for me to realize that i needed to reevaluate whether this endeavor aligned with my core values, or I would not still be standing today.

competition is-at it’s purest form-one of the most powerful motivators. it brings individuals together with similar values and work ethic with beautifully unique stories of how they came to be one of the greats in their endeavors, fighting for a common cause: to bring out the best version of themselves, simultaneously competing for a purpose greater than the sum of themselves. 

the pressures imposed on competitors in the present day can feel suffocating-and athletes are paying the price. suicide rates among high school and collegiate athletes have been rising FAST in recent months. I definitely learned the hard way to listen to my heart (it knows) without letting my head tell me otherwise when the pressure is seeming unnecessary and insurmountable. Especially knowing something is not working for me in the depths of my soul. 

after making a decision to take a year from competing for my school, after desperately trying to keep myself together for three months after setting up a meeting  to ask my coach about taking a season off, leaving without getting these words out of my mouth because of being told I needed to get myself together, running happy/fast before May because I would be cut if I was not able to make an impact during the next racing season. Then working tirelessly to expedite my injury buildback and ceaselessly completing exorbitant amounts of injury prevention, all while being told my best was never enough (whether that be too good or too not good), feeling pressured to hide my feelings, suck it up and keep showing up when I left every practice feeling even worse than that morning-willing myself to get out of bed and live another day. picture perfect on paper seems to be all it’s cracked up to be…. until you find yourself not wanting to live another second on this earth because you ran 15 seconds faster than you were supposed to in a workout or fell off pace, shutting down after being yelled at by a coach. if only they could see the years of hell you endured, the negative thoughts you had to overcome and the agony of a recovery you were faced with to even be able to toe the line to run that day .

so why are we chasing this fleeting goal of perfection if perfect is never fun? (and rarely what it seems by the naked  eye)... and whatever happened to being “good enough” simply due to the fact that you are human? 

as much as I appeared a success story externally: overcoming an eating disorder with flying colors, working tirelessly in treatment to regain my zest for life, thriving academically, on track to graduate a year early and have my doctorate by 25, having the beginnings is my career solidified, recovering from an injury cycle that came close to ending my athletic career, training to compete for a division 1 team: a cause much bigger than myself for a school I hold so dear in my heart…all while never allowing another soul to see my facade falter. Internally (or even upon closer inspection), everything was NOT as it seemed. My freshman year, I relapsed in my eating disorder (not near death again, but hard enough to leave me feeling very lost, a bit strung out and with aggressive nosebleeds/internal bleeding), neglected to make enough time for the people I love the most, threw myself into my studies so fully that they became my identity (which a major concussion in January threw ALL of that for a loop) and fell so deeply into this (in retrospect) tunnel minded vision of stepping on to the start line fast as f*ck that I actually never made it out there my freshman year. (my need to do everything perfectly entirely backfired)

it’s easy to look back and say, “I set myself up for failure“ or “I knew from the start that this dynamic didn’t truly align with my core values,” but in the strangest, most beautiful way, the scars I acquired and the lessons learned from a year of facing disappointment and devastation: in myself, my mindset and individuals i believed to fully believe in my potential, in my endeavors and doing everything within my power but everything (&more) never quite being the summation of “enough” or “what we want to see” invited me to investigate my “why.” and in re-examining all I once knew to be true, I was able to look past arbitrary opinions of others and a “set” path I once set for myself, opening doors for me to define what “enough” means in terms of my life. and “enough” is slowly being redefined as inherently enough and so much more.

the good in “good enough” is not always  evidenced in “wins” or a perfect-linear-as-planned “underdog story.” good can also be losing in a way that exemplifies grace and hope and trust that there is something greater on our paths. and this good can be just as inspiring and great. and, get this: just being innately human makes someone ENOUGH. this truest version of ourselves at our core is discovered and revealed in some of the most heart wrenching ways, and is a wonderful portrayal of one’s deepest character. and there is an overwhelming feeling of peace flickering within and slowly spreading after my decision to finally love my sport and my life on my own terms. 

though stepping away from collegiate running is a terrifying step in many aspects, it ultimately became clear to preserve my life and reignite my love for the sport of running that this was my only option. 

sometimes taking a step back from the thick of things (where it can be tough to  see the forest for the trees) allows us to view really difficult experiences with a fresh perspective. what initially feels like a setback just might morph into a beautiful and unexpected setup for a foundation of intentionality and direction.

twigs break for us all the time so we can find bigger, better branches & develop stronger wings. 

my story isn’t over, and I will find my spark again. 

here are some things you can ask yourself when you feel like you are facing a loss: 

- did you stay true to your character and walk in kindness regardless of the outcome of…? 

- can you be proud of your identity and maintain the values at your core regardless of the outcome? 

- can you still access peace, even when you are tired, even when you feel betrayed, even in a period of facing unknowns?

- do you still trust in your path despite this? 

- are you able to wake up tomorrow, with a fresh set of eyes and a rejuvenated heart, to go in pursuit of a life well lived despite any disappointments you may have faced yesterday? 

- can you take another step?

- can you forgive and allow yourself peace despite external circumstances? 

you are going to be okay. 

it’s all about perspective. consider it all a “victory”

jor

current jordan hopping on to say I wrote this at one of the lowest points of my life since choosing recovery. choosing myself. choosing to remove myself from a situation that was leaving me caught in a whirlwind of never enough. and I am happy to say I can finally breathe. if January Jordan (even May Jordan) knew what her life would be like in this moment, she would be floored. I quit D1 running (and have never been happier?!), I no longer wake up each day wishing I did not. I met my person (the nicest kid in the history of the universe) in the craziest way and have space to hold to be there for him (lots of love, unconditional support, and soft pretzels), I grew so close to the greatest friends (& obtained a soulcycle addiction lolol) and had more time to invest into the people I truly care about. I changed my career path from pediatric rehabilitative medicine to pursue clinical psychology, devoting my career to helping others overcome similar battles to my own. I had my first internship in a field setting this fall and LOVED my time supporting individuals, gained so much experience and got a taste of what it is like to have a significant impact in the mental health journeys of others (not to mention having the BEST coworkers!)

I also am deep into working on some of the things holding me back in my own therapy, and am making so much progress. (who knew I would be able to be a casual eater?!?!?!)

Anyway, just so grateful for the unexpected gifts life throws ya. keep at it ppl❤️